A Case of the “Why Me’s”

I know I haven't posted here very much lately. I'm sure the friends I've made through this network probably think I'm some kind of flake.

I got a call from Taylor's school this morning telling me that I needed to come and get her because she has a temperature of 100.9. This is happening at least once a week now. On the way home from getting her, I just started crying. I realized that I've been neglecting my blog and those of my friends because I'm engaging in a huge case of avoidance.

I'm watching my child's health decline faster and faster and I guess if I don't write about it, I can pretend it's not happening. Deep down I realize that this doesn't really work. I see every minute detail of change that goes on with Taylor. I KNOW what is happening with her but all of a sudden it just seems to be coming too fast…faster than I can deal with.

She had a cardiology appointment last Friday and the nurse couldn't find a blood pressure or her pulse on the left side of her body. The doctor looked at how swollen her left foot and ankle is and had trouble finding a pulse there as well. For some reason, unrelated to her heart he says, she has decreased blood flow on the left side of her body. He said if it were due to the heart failure, it would be both sides. So now we have one more thing to "figure" out.

I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point even though I know that that is a luxury I don't have. Taylor needs me and my strength as her energy and strength declines on what seems like a daily basis. Indulging in self pity is pointless yet that is what I'm feeling at this moment. Why me? Why my child? It's stupid and I know that. There are so many more parents dealing with even more devastating issues than I am and I've always prided myself on being strong.

Right now, I don't feel strong. Right now, I just feel scared because I can't "fix" it. I am sorry for avoiding the wonderful friends I've made in the blogging world. I think it's because I know that the topic of Taylor would come up and I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions in check.

Okay, I think I'm done with my pity party. Sometimes just being able to just throw the words on the "paper" help a great deal. Time to put on my big girl panties and go back to being strong.