Tuesday, January 19, 2010

In Loving Memory

The Bossman spent this weekend putting together a slideshow for his mother's service. All I can say is that he did an excellent job. I don't have the words to say how awesome it is, so I'm going to share the video here and let it speak for itself.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Goodbye Nathalie

Can I just say that this month has been a rough one so far and it's only half-way through. Not only have The Bossman and I been dealing with Taylor's declining health, we have had to deal with the declining health of his mother. We've spent the last few backs going back and forth from hospital to care home to hospital...a crazy merry-go-round of emotions.

The Bossman's mother passed away yesterday afternoon and she is finally at peace. Even though I know The Bossman is happy her suffering is over, I know he will be grieving. However, the journey getting her to her final peace has been very emotionally draining for him.

The Bossman's parents have been married for 65 years. They met when his mom was 14 & his dad was 18. That's a lot of time together. Unfortunately, sometimes, it makes it hard to let go when it is time for one to pass on.

While The Bossman and his siblings knew the end was near, his dad was suffering from a huge, but understandable case of denial. This resulted in her last few days being ones that were filled with needless pain. I kind of know how he feels. Am I going to be able to make the right decisions for Taylor when it comes time or am I going to want to hold on to her for my sake and cause her pain?

Those are some serious issues that you don't know how you are going to handle until that time comes. All I could do was to support The Bossman as he tried to support his dad. I am glad that I got to know his mother even though it was only for a short time…4 years.

What's so funny is how she took to Taylor much to everyone's surprise. Not to imply that she was mean or anything, but she was already suffering with Parkinson's when Taylor and I met her and The Bossman said she was a little "grumpy"…but not with Taylor. She's the one that referred to herself as "grandma" when talking to Taylor…again, another surprise.

She was nice to me and I knew that she liked me. That's a big thing considering I was with the baby of the family and usually no female was good enough for him. Sometimes I still think that's true. He's an awesome man from an awesome family and I'm glad that they always make me feel like a part of it. They made Taylor and I feel welcome when we moved 2000 miles away from our family.

As far as making the right decisions for Taylor…I know I don't have to make them alone so that takes away a great deal of the fear. I know The Bossman will always put what is best for Taylor ahead of what my feelings might be and that he will gently guide me to the right path.

Right now I am his support during his loss. One day, he will be mine.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Case of the “Why Me’s”

I know I haven't posted here very much lately. I'm sure the friends I've made through this network probably think I'm some kind of flake.

I got a call from Taylor's school this morning telling me that I needed to come and get her because she has a temperature of 100.9. This is happening at least once a week now. On the way home from getting her, I just started crying. I realized that I've been neglecting my blog and those of my friends because I'm engaging in a huge case of avoidance.

I'm watching my child's health decline faster and faster and I guess if I don't write about it, I can pretend it's not happening. Deep down I realize that this doesn't really work. I see every minute detail of change that goes on with Taylor. I KNOW what is happening with her but all of a sudden it just seems to be coming too fast…faster than I can deal with.

She had a cardiology appointment last Friday and the nurse couldn't find a blood pressure or her pulse on the left side of her body. The doctor looked at how swollen her left foot and ankle is and had trouble finding a pulse there as well. For some reason, unrelated to her heart he says, she has decreased blood flow on the left side of her body. He said if it were due to the heart failure, it would be both sides. So now we have one more thing to "figure" out.

I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point even though I know that that is a luxury I don't have. Taylor needs me and my strength as her energy and strength declines on what seems like a daily basis. Indulging in self pity is pointless yet that is what I'm feeling at this moment. Why me? Why my child? It's stupid and I know that. There are so many more parents dealing with even more devastating issues than I am and I've always prided myself on being strong.

Right now, I don't feel strong. Right now, I just feel scared because I can't "fix" it. I am sorry for avoiding the wonderful friends I've made in the blogging world. I think it's because I know that the topic of Taylor would come up and I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions in check.

Okay, I think I'm done with my pity party. Sometimes just being able to just throw the words on the "paper" help a great deal. Time to put on my big girl panties and go back to being strong.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A Great Christmas Present Reaction

While I'm working on my catch-up post, I thought I would send you to The Bossman's YouTube page. I would imbed the video here, but after all the hard work he put into my grandson's Christmas present, he deserves the hits.

So if you would like to see an awesome response to a Christmas Present…just go here. Also check out the shorter-remix version here. Feel free to leave comments if you like. Goodness knows I have an awesome Bossman and he deserves all the kudos in the world.

He's made my grandkids just as much a part of his life as I am and I love him very much.

I’m Still Among the Living

I really need to catch up with everything. I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. I just know things have been very hectic here and my blog always seems to be the thing that gets left undone.

I suppose in the scheme of things, that's how it should be but I always have this nagging voice in the back of my mind going…"shouldn't you blog, really, shouldn't you at least say you are alive, really?"

So, here I am, letting my friends know that I am still a blimp on the planet. Things are going as well as they could be with Taylor and life is just a bit topsy turvy right now. I'll share more later, including Christmas pics since I know I'm way behind on that.

I hope this finds everyone having a great start to the New Year.