Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Case of the “Why Me’s”


I know I haven't posted here very much lately. I'm sure the friends I've made through this network probably think I'm some kind of flake.

I got a call from Taylor's school this morning telling me that I needed to come and get her because she has a temperature of 100.9. This is happening at least once a week now. On the way home from getting her, I just started crying. I realized that I've been neglecting my blog and those of my friends because I'm engaging in a huge case of avoidance.

I'm watching my child's health decline faster and faster and I guess if I don't write about it, I can pretend it's not happening. Deep down I realize that this doesn't really work. I see every minute detail of change that goes on with Taylor. I KNOW what is happening with her but all of a sudden it just seems to be coming too fast…faster than I can deal with.

She had a cardiology appointment last Friday and the nurse couldn't find a blood pressure or her pulse on the left side of her body. The doctor looked at how swollen her left foot and ankle is and had trouble finding a pulse there as well. For some reason, unrelated to her heart he says, she has decreased blood flow on the left side of her body. He said if it were due to the heart failure, it would be both sides. So now we have one more thing to "figure" out.

I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point even though I know that that is a luxury I don't have. Taylor needs me and my strength as her energy and strength declines on what seems like a daily basis. Indulging in self pity is pointless yet that is what I'm feeling at this moment. Why me? Why my child? It's stupid and I know that. There are so many more parents dealing with even more devastating issues than I am and I've always prided myself on being strong.

Right now, I don't feel strong. Right now, I just feel scared because I can't "fix" it. I am sorry for avoiding the wonderful friends I've made in the blogging world. I think it's because I know that the topic of Taylor would come up and I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions in check.

Okay, I think I'm done with my pity party. Sometimes just being able to just throw the words on the "paper" help a great deal. Time to put on my big girl panties and go back to being strong.


27 comments:

barefootRhys said...

o dawn

i have missed you and worried about you guys. i am so sorry that things are hard. it's ok to be tired, i know and taylor knows how much you love her

i wish you didn't have to go through this. i wish you didn't have to be strong.

Christy said...

It's ok to let others be strong for you. Taylor and you are in my thoughts.

Kristin said...

Oh Dawn!

We do wonder where you are but you are right, you need to be there for Taylor. When you feel like talking, we are there.

I hope you can find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging. I wish there were more I could say, I wish I could make it all better.

I am sorry!

Kristin

Deb in MD said...

I'm sorry Dawn.
It is totally acceptable for you to have the "why me's"
You work so hard being Taylor's advocate. She knows how much you love her.

You are still strong.

Erin Lutz said...

Dawn- i am so sorry that you have to be strong when you should be able to plop on the floor kicking and screaming. I wish there was some magic words to give you strength and hope. I am thinking of you. {hugs}
Erin

won said...

Dawn,

Pity parties are a necessary part of the journey. I think the danger if you will, is when they become extended. I honestly believe they have to be felt and recognized first.

I DO understand how overwhelming it can all become. It is the epitome of helplessness.

I am terribly sorry for the place Taylor and you are in right now. If you ever want to vent or discuss privately with me, I can tell you there is nothing you could tell me that would shock me.

Having walked that road, I get it.

As Olivia would always say "breathe in the light, and blow out the darkness". It's a meditative technique she used. I throw it out there in case you might want to try it.

My thoughts are with you and Taylor. And my offer is good anytime.

Jill said...

Dawn I wish I had better words than these, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

GothicBttrfly said...

You hve nothing to be sorry for, I so admire your strength and courage. You are a wonderful Mom to a wonderful girl. Feel free to always use us as sounding boards for your "pity parties", that's what friends are for!

CK said...

Dawn,
It's so good to vent. Embrace the poor me's - Won is right, stay with it for a while, and then you will be able to move ahead.

My heart goes out to you.

HappilyFlawed said...

I want to know what jackass said you can't feel sorry for yourself and slap them upside their head!

I think it's perfectly acceptable to feel sorry for yourself, AS LONG AS you dont make it all day every day. And that just goes without saying.

I have a lot of strange logic..just like with tears. Women are supposed to cry! It helps destress us and if your me it really does help to sometimes just break down and be a big fat baby!

I am so sorry to hear about Taylor's decline. I don't have anything other than my shoulders and friendship to offer and am always just a text away, as you surely know by now lol.

Here's a tissue and an extra pair of big girl panties in case yours get lost and you need to borrow a pair!

Alicia said...

Dawn,

you are strong, even when you feel you are not. Your deep love for and dedication to Taylor are what keep you strong, even when you crumble temporarily. And it IS ok to crumble now and then.

Never feel you have to apologize to us. I, for one, won't leave you just because you don't update your blog or leave comments on mine. Anyone who would, you don't need anyway. Blog and comment when you are comfortable, no questions asked.

I am sorry you are dealing with Taylor's increasing problems. I am praying for her and I am praying for you.

Bella said...

Dawn-

Thanks for posting...we have been thinking about you. Don't feel guilty, as you have a lot on your plate. Just know we all care about you and Taylor, and take care of YOU as much as possible, as you take care of Taylor.

Take care. Lots of warm thoughts your way from me.

Jennifer said...

Dawn I am so sorry. I think your reaction is not only perfectly normal, but probably the only rational response you could have. Please take care of you. You and Taylor are in my prayers.

lisa said...

I am so sorry to hear that Taylor is having a difficult time and that you are feeling helpless. Do not feel guilty for thinking those thoughts because it truly isn't fair that you guys are going thru all that and sometimes having a pity party is just might be the thing to put things back into perspective.

My prayers and thoughts are always with your family Dawn.

Jae said...

Dawn, I can only echo what others have said so well.

It's okay to ask, "why me."

It's okay to get tired of being strong. It's okay to feel helpless and alone and down.

It's normal, it's understandable, it's even necessary. Writing helps, I think. At least a little.

Please don't feel bad for your completely normal feelings. Let those who care hold you up a bit if we can.

Many thoughts and prayers for you and for Taylor. I wish I could help. My heart goes out to you - and to your beautiful girl.

justjaime31 said...

Dawn,

I have been thinking about you and Taylor... Dont worry about keeping us happy, you do what you need to do with her!

Email me if you want to talk, vent, whatever :-)

Island Baby said...

Dawn,
You have every right to feel the way you do. I totally understand your need to step away right now and not have to field questions about Taylor when she is ill.
You are an amazing mother and I totally admire your strength and grace in the face of adversity.
I am here if you need me. If you ever need to vent or just want to talk or have someone listen to you, please email me and I will gladly give you my phone number.
islandbaby22 (at) gmail (dot)com
I am praying for you and for sweet Taylor girl.
Lots of love and light sent your way.
xo Kaitlyn :-)

Becca said...

I held my breath reading that, Dawn. I'm so sad. You're an amazing, amazing mother, and an incredibly strong woman. Know that you have every right to feel however you are feeling, any time. And I, and many others that care about you, will listen. E-mail me any time, okay?

I don't know if this is the best time to post this, but I left an award for you on my blog today.

Shannon said...

Dawn I am glad you posted and that you are allowing yourself to have this 'pity party' as you call it, you are allowed.

I wish I had all the right words to help because I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. You have worked hard to break all the promises the doctors have given you with Taylor. Look at her. Look at the life she has lived and even through the struggles that young lady is so wonderful and perfect in her Taylor way....this was never supposed to be but it has been.

I hope that they are able to find out what is going on and help her. Please know that you are allowed to be sad and feel down...you have that right any time you feel the need.

And never feel bad for not thinking of the friends you have in the blogging world when you are keeping your focus on your beautiful daughter.

Karen said...

Dawn, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with so many issues, I cannot imagine your position, nor do I have much advice to get you through - just to follow your heart and do what you need to do - and concentrate on yourself and on Taylor - for right now - that is all you *can do! You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!

Paul's Computer Repair said...

I know how hard it is for you to deal with and I am here for you, as you know.

It is ok to have the pity party. As I have said before, it is not bad to have a pity party, as long as we don't stay there for a long time.

You have a lot on your plate and just remember to keep writing about your feelings and expressing them, and not avoiding them.

Love,
Bossman

Corinne said...

Dawn,

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling so much.

I will keep you and Taylor in my thoughts.

Robin in Montana said...

In no way are you flaky, Dawn! I can't imagine what you are going through and have to wonder would I be as strong in that situation. It's okay to be sad and ask for others to help you handle it. Hugs to you and Taylor and the Bossman.

Trudy said...

Dawn, I've been thinking about you and i'm so glad you posted. You are allowed pity party's. I'm praying for your family. Remember all you blog sisters are here for you when ever you need to vent.

Anemone Pie said...

Oh, Dawn, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing and I think we all understand the "avoiding", although that's a harsh word for it. You're protecting you, not avoiding us. We will be here for you when you need us and give you space when you don't and you never need to worry about any of that. Your friends aren't going anywhere. I'm just so very sorry you're having to deal with this pain now and wish I could somehow help.

Kathleen said...

Dawn dear, we love you and will do what we can to help you be as strong as you need to be. Please don't worry about us and what we think, you've got bigger fish to fry as it were.

heather said...

we are always here for you...love always.